Mystery Evangelion Theatre 3000 - Show 2
by Pokemon Ranger J
Summary: James and the guys are back to give another fic Hell


Mystery Evangelion Theatre

Mystery Evangelion Theatre

** **

** **

In the not too distant future,

2018 AD,

There was a guy named James, 

not too different from you or me.

He worked at the Marduc institute

Just another guy in dark trenchcoat,

He did a good job kicking angel face,

But Gendo didn't trust him so he shot him into space!

GENDO:

I'll send him cheesy fanfics,

Woo Woo

The worst I can find!

Lalala

He'll have to sit and watch them all,

And I'll monitor his mind!

Now keep in mind James can't control,

Woo Woo

Where the fanfics begin or end!

Lalala

He'll try to retain his sanity,

With the help of his random friends!

RANDOM ROLL CALL

Shinji Ikari!

(Huh?)

Rei Ayanami!

(Blue hair is in!)

Dave Scott!

(I am David, hear me roar!)

Spike Spiegel (I'm different!)

If you're wondering how they eat and breathe, 

And other science facts, 

Just repeat to yourself,

This is just a show, 

I should really just relax!

For Mystery Evangelion Theatre 3000

Wannnnng!

**James, Spike and Dave are on the main computer of the SOI.They are playing an illegally downloaded N64 Emulator.They are plaing Mario Kart.Shinji walks in, wearing an apron, and holding a tray of freshly baked cookies.**

**Shinji:Cookies!**

**  
All: great!**

** **

**Shinji:I found out how to make them online, using only Spam and toothpaste!**

** **

**All: [facefault]**

** **

**Klaxons blare, and the four rush to the bridge.Ayanami greets them**

** **

**Ayanami: Commander Ikari is calling.**

** **

**All: We know.**

** **

**Gendo:Hah, puppets.How are tings going on the old POS, err… SOI today?**

** **

**All:Fine, sir.**

** **

**Gendo:Good, you'll need a positive atmosphere if you hope to recover from my next fic. It's called Dragons in the Realm.Fuyutski, send them the movie.You'll be ready to bow down before me when this is through.**

** **

**James:Try your worst Gendo!**

** **

**Gendo: Don't worry.Don't worry.**

** **

**Gendo disappears, and the movie light starts flashing.Everyone head toward the theatre.**

** **

**James:We've got fanfic sign!**

** **

**Doors:**

**1 – The doors to NERV HQ.**

**2 – The door to Misato's apartment.**

**3 – The classroom door.**

**4 – The door to the Eva cages.**

**5 – Jet Alone's access hatch.**

6 – An entry plug.It says Eva 14.

** **

Dragons in the Realm.  
Chapter 1  
  
  
Ty held the Dragon Pearl tightly in his hands.

**Spike: Then it broke.**  
"Now or Never,"he said.

**Dave: I like how he capitalized Never.It's a very special Never.**  
Ty's father had told him two years ago to come into the realm 

**James:Yes, the realm of moldy cheeses.**

when he was thirteen and return the Dragon Pearl to it's place in the Krypton. 

Spike: "I needed cool words, so I borrowed them from Superman."

The two years had passed and Ty was doing as his dead father ordered.

**James: Woah, speaking dead people.Sounds like Ty's been eating the special mushrooms.**  
The Krypton was a giant statue in the realm that was at least fifty feet tall. 

**Dave:Maybe more, maybe less.**

The statue was a red dragon and at the very top of the statue on the Kryptons head was a small hole. 

**Spike: The blowhole, found in many aquatic animals.**

The whole was about one inch tall and two inches wide; the exact size of the crystal white Dragon Pearl.

**James:Coincidence?Or government secret?**  
Ty climbed onto the Kryptons claw.

**Spike: Which proceeded to fall off and crush him.THE END.**  
"Why does my deceased dad have to tell me to climb a fifty foot tall dragon? 

**James: Man, I knew I shouldn't have taken all of the Midol.**

Why couldn't he have told me something easy, like telling Mother his goodbyes. But no! I'm only thirteen! What if I fall--"but Ty was cut off.

**Dave:At the waist.He died.That's it.**  
"Hello Ty."

**Spike (as Vader): I am your father…**  
Ty looked around and didn't see anything that could have made the strange voice.  
"Look in your hand, Ty." said the voice again.  
Ty opened his left hand and saw nothing.  
"Try the other hand, Ty!" yelled the voice.

**Dave:Where'd the dig genius boy up?What an idiot.**  
Ty opened his other hand and saw the Dragon Pearl. But it wasn't crystal white anymore, but instead it was glowing sky blue.

**James:perhaps because of the pills he'd just taken, or possibly because he spray-painted it.**  
"What the..." Ty started but he couldn't finish.

**Spike:He couldn't remember how to spell Hell.**  
"What the what?" asked the Dragon Pearl. 

**Dave (as Pearl):Oh, I get it, you're stupid.Nevermind.Just leave.**

"You've never heard me talk before?"  
"N-n-no," stuttered Ty.

**James: Oh, Goddish, he's developed a speech impediment.**  
"oh that's right. I forgot. You can't here me in the anti-realm. And all these years since your dad game to you I thought you were ignoring me!"

**Spike:Dad game?I'm not touching that one.**  
Ty thought he heard a small chuckle come from the Dragon Pearl.  
"B-b-but your just a rock!" yelled Ty.

**Dave:He really needs to see a speech therapist.**  
"I'm not a rock, I'm a Dragon Pearl." it said proudly."Now, are you going to climb the Krypton so I can return to my body?"

**James (as Pearl): I don't want to have to steal yours, biped boy.**  
Ty was so shocked at the Dragon Pearl talking he'd forgotten what he'd come to the realm to do.  
"Oh, yeah, sure, right." Ty said confused.  
Ty grabbed onto the statues ankle. Fortunally the Krypton was covered in stone scales so Ty could climb easier.  
Climbing the fifty foot dragon was easier than Ty had expected 

**Spike: Didn't we just cover this easy climbing thing?**

so he decided to climb a little faster. 

**Dave: But some idiot had gone and greased the statue, Ty died.**

He climbed without stopping until he reached the Kryptons neck. 

**All:Fall, damn you, fall!**  
"Almost there!" yelled the Dragon Pearl. "Soon I'll return to my body and save the realm from Zoniac."

**Dave:Now they're thinking up original names.Whew!Too bad they suck.**  
Zoniac is the keeper of the realm. He has beyond any citizen in the realm or anti-realm. 

**James: Grammar am questionizeable.**

Zoniac had even stopped the sun from coming up after it had setted years ago.

**Dave: So they're setting us up for one of those "epic battle between the wimpy kid and the evil super deadly death bad guy from hell" fics?**  
Zoniac needed total darkness for his army of skeletons to remain alive.

**Spike:Which would mean something if they were vampires.**  
Zoniac was never able to take over the anti-realm because he knew the Dragon Pearl was there and it could destroy him. 

**James:Despite the whole being a rock thing.**

**Dave:Man, they used 'Zoniac' a whole lot in the last few sentences.**

He banished it from the realm. Now Ty had come to return the Dragon Pearl to the Krypton.

**Dave:then Zoniac fried him.The End.**  
Ty grabbed onto a small scale on the Kryptons chin.  
"I think you better skip that scale," said the Dragon Pearl.  
"Are you joking?" 

**James: take my pebbles, no,seriously, take 'em.**

asked Ty. 

**James:He really is an idiot.If the rock says skip the scale, it's obviously going to break off.**

"I'm almost there.The hole in the Krypton is just a few feet away."  
Ty stepped up and grabbed hold of the scale. He moved his foot up on to it's chin. 

**Spike: The scale has a chin?**

He tried to pull himself up but the scale he was holding started shaking 

**Dave: And proceeded to boogie!**

then snapped off.

**James: Told ya!**

**Dave:Fall!Why don't you just die?**  
Ty was dangling from the Krypton's chin with one hand on the scale that was beside the one that had snapped off.  
"I told you to skip that one," said the Dragon Pearl.

**Dave: And now you die.**  
"That's not helping me now!" yelled Ty. "So you're a talking rock! 

**Dave (as Ty):I state the obvious, seeing as I have the attention span of Drano.**

Excuse me if I've been watching to many cartoons lately, but 

**Spike: Shouldn't Popeye save us now?**

usually in a setting like this the talking rock would have some magic or something!"

**James: Yeah, now you're begging for it's help.Few sentences ago you didn't listen to him.I hope he falls on your head.**  
"Yeah, yeah, here we go. Keep this kid from falling dead, teleport him to the top of the Krypton's head!"

**Spike:These were wonderful days, when housing was cheap, people were friendly and, and incantations didn't have to make any actual sense.**

**Dave: This was because, if you used correct grammar, you might end up with your head stuck to your ass.**  
A big flash of light blew into Ty's eyes. Ty's entire mind went blank. 

**James: That doesn't make sense.His mind alreadywas blank!**

Ty felt dizzy. 

**Spike: Now he's drunk.**

He saw colors flash in front of him. 

**Spike: And on LSD.**

First dark colors like black and brown. Then red, orange, and yellow formed into green. The green faded into white. The white blew into another bright light.

**Spike: And then the giant one-legged pink orangutans hopped across his mind.**  
Ty was back on the Krypton. But something was strange. He was on the Kryptons head!

**Dave:Caution:the author has lost the plot track, we suggest you duck and cover.**  
"What just happened?" asked Ty.

**James (as Pearl):You were high, shithead.**  
The Dragon Pearl replied,"Well, you asked for magic and I gave you magic. Now put me in the hole on my head."  
"Your head, your head." mumbled Ty sarcasticly.

**Spike:Basically, he just thought using the word sarcasm would make his fic better.**  
"What was that?"  
"Nothing, nothing."

**Dave:This kid and his weird speech problems!**

the hole was a good three feet from Ty's feet. Ty examined the hole from his place then decided to get a closer look.

**Dave: And he fell, and died.**

**James: Okay, Dave, calm down with the death thing.**  
Ty bent down, but even thought five and a half feet tall he feared he would fall is he bent down to look at the hole.

**Spike: Just because of that last sentence, I may never experience joy again.**  
"Hey, Dragon Pearl, how about using some of the magic to get me down there to put you in?" asked Ty.  
"Hey, Ty, How about you 

**Dave: lick me?**

doing it yourself." said the Dragon Pearl scornfully.  
"What's wrong with you?"  
"I want in my body."

**Spike:What the hell does that mean?**  
"Then get me down there!"  
"I can't."

**James: I'.**  
"What do you mean you can't?"  
"I mean I can't."  
Ty thought about this for a second before he said anything else. Why couldn't the Dragon Pearl get him down there? Ty decided to ask.

**James:He's a slow kid.VERY slow.**  
"Why can't you get me down there?"  
The Dragon Pearl went from it's glowing blue color to a dark solid red.

**Spike:Damn spray paint!**  
"I'm to weak. Teleporting you up here took up a lot of energy."

**James: Basically, I'm magical, but I suck.**  
"Why are you changing colors?" Ty asked.  
"My color is sortave 

a guage that shows how much energy I have."

**James: What's a sortave?**

**Dave: It's a type of South American gourd.**

"What do you mean?"

**Dave:This kid is really stupid. 'nuff said.**  
"Well, the darker my color is the less energy I have. When I was white and blue I had a lot of energy. Unfortunally, in the realm, I use up more energy. You can tell I am weak now because I am red.  
"You better hurry and put me in the Krypton."

**James (as Pearl): Man I suck.**  
Ty reached down, forgetting his fear of falling. 

**Dave:Ironically, he fell.**

Ty reached down and touched the hole with his fingers. With his other hand he reached down to put the Dragon Pearl in it's place. Ty was only a few inches from the hole when everything started to shake. He heard a rumble then Ty couldn't find the ground and he was falling. 

**Dave: Yay!**

The entire Krypton was breaking and falling into pieces. Ty was falling with pieces to the ground.  
"Oh no! My body! I hope I have some insurense!" yelled the Dragon Pearl.

**Spike: Whoo-hoo, creative spelling!**

**Dave: that joke sucked like a Pauly Shore marathon!**  
"Hey! We're about to die! Get me out of here!" yelled Ty.  
"Ok, here we go," said the Dragon Pearl,"Stupid Ty didn't get me into my body, so teleport him into somebodies poty!"

**James: Do you think they meant potty?Hey, shouldn't sombodies be possessive?**

**Spike: You really can't tell with this author.**  
"Wait! You're not going to put me into somebodies toilet!" he yelled.

**Dave: I guess it was potty.Who knew?**  
Ty was only a few yards from the ground now.  
"Alright, me and Ty are about to the ground, so teleport us someplace round!"  
**James:That was so bad, it riffed itself.**

Ty blacked out.

**The three friends exit the theatre.Gendo looks at them from his screen.**

** **

**Gendo:Ha, are you ready to bow down before me?**

** **

**James: Listen, Gendo, I've heard of bad fics, but that was cruel and unusual punishment.**

** **

**Dave:Gendo, was this written by starving monkeys?**

** **

**Spike:There was no plot, and the grammar was horrible, and they had these weird…[Breaks down into tears.Shinji comforts him.]It's just not fair!**

** **

**Gendo: [laughs evilly]**

** **

**James: But, we aren't broken.It'll take worse than that to break James Kelley, David Scott, and Spike Spiegel!**

** **

**Dave: [Whispers to James] Ixnay!Don't provoke him!**

** **

**Gendo:Fuyutski, hit the switch!**

**Fuyutski:Yes, sir.[He hits the switch, and the entire Geofront is deprived of power.]**

** **

**Gendo: Ahh, poopie!**


End file.
